http://inlandempire.craigslist.org/tlg/1447021122.html

I'm going to be a zombie! They already wrote me back and confirmed it. SQUEE!

He's getting more and more senile, he's already had a quadruple bypass and doesn't want to take his meds for his diabetes. He's resting at home now.

I don't know how long it'll be before he passes on. I'll lose the only member of my dad's side of the family I like the company of. (Other than my psychotic aunt.)

Meh.

It's a good morning when you look in the mirror and feel good about yourself AND get a Hello Kitty card in the mail. (Thanks Julia!)
I was up till 2 last night after a flash burst of inspiration and finally breaking out of my artist's block. I think part of it was getting my love for Ai Yazawa's drawing style back from watching so much Gokinjo Monogatari. Maybe I'll post it once it's fully done.
If your day isn't coming off to a good start, then this is for you.

The sky is strange tonight.
A lilac overflow settling as a cover over a peach bottom glow.
It feels like a sign. I don't know of what though.

At the beginning of the year, I had posted to a community called todayirealized. I had posted realizations about how useless and worthless I felt and how much I felt like I was traveling down the same path as my father had. I never expected to get a response like this.

Subject: Today I Realized...
-My heart seems bent to destroying me by leading me down so many paths to complicate.
-If I weren't so much a pussy about it, I probably would be a full fledged drug addict like my birth father.
-That even imagining how sad people who care for me would be doesn't make the want to self-harm go away in the least.
-That I'm probably the worst person to fall in love with.

Comment: The good thing about being you is that you are not someone else. You're not your father. You need to think about what makes you a person worth being. And maybe I'm in love with you. Not everybody can be as brutally honest as you are in your entry. I need honesty and nothing but.

And your heart, right, is inside your chest. It is working every minute to make sure you give yourself every fucking chance you deserve. Tell me something good about yourself. And saying 'there's nothing good about me' is a stupid cop-out. You may not know it but you are the answer to someone's prayer, you are someone's dream in flesh and you're supposed to be here or I wouldn't have bothered to comment. Tell me what it is.

I never commented back. I was too shocked that some random stranger had the heart to tell me something like that.
I found it again today after looking through my saved emails and tia_junan, I can say something good. I'm here, alive, stronger than I believe. I'm not perfect, but I'm real. And I'm living for those I love and love me.
It's easy to be cruel. It's not easy to be kind. Thank you for your kindness.

Woken up to Mom telling me she's taking me to hospital today.
Why?
Because my birth control medicine has been in all the news articles about causing stroke and heart problems and she wants them to look me over.
Time to become a human pin cushion for a few hours. -.-;

Tell me five things about yourself someone wouldn't guess at first glance. And give a small story to it. No wimping out on details now.

1. I'm a very big doo-wop/50's, 60's culture.
-As most of you know, my mother was a big influence in music for me because she was where I got it all from, tapes, cds, the like. My first taste for the style was a tape cassette that had her song for me, "Angel Baby" by Rosie & The Originals. I remember being 3 and hearing it play over the boombox she had in her room. My own emersion began when I borrowed (for many years) her cd collection from American Graffiti. I had never seen the movie, but the soundtrack stuck in my head for ages. As I got older, I found more things to love: The smoothness of the harmony in pop groups as the time, the fashion and the changes it was going through, the political changes going on at the time, the clean-cut style that was attempted to be portrayed despite what everyone knew what was happening. I'd love to find a place that brings that back, like a 50's diner/hop.

2. I have a large scar at the back of my throat.
-When I was younger, about 4, I got into the laundry room and was standing on a stool and reaching for something. My feet slipped out from under me and I fell backwards, taking a broom that was resting on top of the washer with me. I hit the floor on my back and the broom handle went into my mouth and punctured the back of my throat.

3. I was a strawberry blonde as a baby.
-Not much story to this. I had that soft reddish blonde hair and the biggest brown eyes ever. It changed into the brown you see now, but still has little blonde and red highlights from time to time.

4. I was a World of Warcraft celebrity for a short time.
-I had made a character on a RP realm and made up a really detailed story for her. She was a night elf priest and went by the name of Harlotmoon. Because of that name, she became known and people did a double take when I ran by. It was only for a few weeks though.

5. I'm allergic to aspirin.
-Having chronic pain means meds are a necessary for me sometimes, but until I was 18, for whatever reason, I had never been given aspiring. My mother gave it to me because we were out of tylonel, the cure all. About 15 minutes later, I was shaking uncontrollably with a very fast heart rate and freaking out. Lesson learned there.

I made a breakfast burrito!
Okay, so it's not much, but I didn't burn anything and got over my fear of being oil burned. And it's damn tasty and perfectly portioned.
Healthy little dinner for me. Yay. ^^

My computer has been exploding the past couple days and now my AIM is possibly seriously messed up. Please stand by for attempted repair.

Now, to Tom in Weather. Tom?
Thanks, Diane. We see a cloud cover which is actually the combined smoke of the fires breaking out in California. Expect showers of ash, temperatures up between the high 90's and high 100's and for those of you with asthma or allergies, incredible pain while you cough the ash out of your lungs and pollute your airways with that lovely smoke. Back to you, Diane.

It is digustingly hot today. 99 degrees.
I feel like I need a shower so badly. I woke up after having dreams about being in a car with no driver, heading down to a weird mechanics shop next to a Carl's Jr which had no actual Carl's Jr food, and coming out and realizing that everything is covered in fleas from a crackhouse on the other side. *shudders*

20 years old. There are times in my life I really didn't think I'd live to see 20.
Wow.

A child's view of marriage.
No god, no definition of man and woman, just hugging, kissing, helping one another and a friendship.

Beautiful.

http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/04/beatrice-arthur.html

You will be missed greatly, Bea.

Cream cheese rangoons are fucking love.

Also, I've been working on some videos. Excuse the horrendous video quality, it's more for the fandub anyway.

So, I got a call tonight to say that Jake is back home.
He got up to Seattle. o.O

I'm not even going to ask. Night, night.

So, on top of all the stress of school, relationships and family, I got some news today.
Jake, my most recent ex who I am still friends with, ran away from home, hopped on a Metro and is somewhere in the San Diego area with no cellphone, little clothing and probably barely any money.
I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. When I ran away from home at about the same age, for a lot of the same reasons he apparently did, I only got about 4 miles from my house, and that was a lucky break on my part. I don't know if he took his bike, or anything else.
I'm really worried.

Since I'm stuck in bed, I figured I'd do some contemplative writing instead of focusing on the fact that my back's trying to make me cry.

There are 8 years of difference between my and my little sister. We're only related through Mom and it definitely shows. We're almost complete opposites in looks.
Pale skin vs. dark hispanic skin.
Thick hair vs. thin hair.
19 and 5'1 vs. 11 and 5'4
Fairly slim vs. chubbier.
We're also quite different in personality. I'm more reserved until I get to know someone. My sister is out there and honest with herself completely. I withold a lot and withdraw from arguments or turn them into discussions. She yells and makes her point clear, whether it was needed or not.
Yet, it's odd to see the similarities when they come up. I can really talk to her, and she'll listen, even if she doesn't always get it. She loves a lot of the same movies and games I do. She's an artist, although much more computer oriented. We also tend to lean the same way politically, me leaning a tiny bit moreso to the left. I think I've only ever really butted heads with her once in my life.
It's funny that I remember my parents saying she was the suprise child. After Connor's death, they weren't going to try for anymore children and now they have this beautiful girl. She's growing up with some pretty conflicting views and a lot of different family influences. I hope she grows up well.

Navarre can't move his back feet anymore completely. It's so cold now, that he's growling because he's in pain.
I thought I'd be okay with this because he's almost 13 and lived a good life, but...*sighs* It's going to be a really fucking hard day.
I love my boy. I don't want him to go....
Almost 13 years of love and spoiling. God.

I woke up at about 5 this morning from an extremely vivid dream that left me a bit shaken.
I remember I was dropped off at this shopping center close to my house, apparently waiting for Byron. I get a phone call from him and he tells me he's busy with his best friend and can't see me. I become quite annoyed and walk off to the bus stop. There are two other people there, a guy and a pretty girl.
The sky is darkened with an overcast of clouds as I see something flying through the air at us. I step away a little from its trajectory and watch as a huge piece of burning metal hits the girl and flings her about 6 feet before it hits a tree. The guy and I rush over to see if she's okay and find her hands are burned to hell. As we're tending to her, a flaming firetruck crashes next to us.
Something clicks in my brain and I scream out for people to run. We take off down the street and as we're running and get a good amount of distance away, I hear an explosion from the firetruck and watch as it mushrooms out, chasing the people running. I can't see who's made it or not, but the crowd running with me keeps the pace. I forget where we finally stop, but we hide behind something as the clouds of smoke blast past us like a sonic boom.
I look around and there's bodies laying out behind it who didn't make it, cars turned over. The sun's setting and we take a moment to rest when someone points out another falling object that hits and creates another explosion. We run and jump over houses and rooftops as a ring of fire chases behind us. Someone spots a lake and we all dive in into a continuing blackness that eventually wakes me up

Fuck you, body. Random kidney pain is not fucking cool. Nor are the back spasms.
FUCK YOU.