A child's view of marriage.
No god, no definition of man and woman, just hugging, kissing, helping one another and a friendship.

Beautiful.

http://news-briefs.ew.com/2009/04/beatrice-arthur.html

You will be missed greatly, Bea.

Cream cheese rangoons are fucking love.

Also, I've been working on some videos. Excuse the horrendous video quality, it's more for the fandub anyway.

So, I got a call tonight to say that Jake is back home.
He got up to Seattle. o.O

I'm not even going to ask. Night, night.

So, on top of all the stress of school, relationships and family, I got some news today.
Jake, my most recent ex who I am still friends with, ran away from home, hopped on a Metro and is somewhere in the San Diego area with no cellphone, little clothing and probably barely any money.
I am FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. When I ran away from home at about the same age, for a lot of the same reasons he apparently did, I only got about 4 miles from my house, and that was a lucky break on my part. I don't know if he took his bike, or anything else.
I'm really worried.

Since I'm stuck in bed, I figured I'd do some contemplative writing instead of focusing on the fact that my back's trying to make me cry.

There are 8 years of difference between my and my little sister. We're only related through Mom and it definitely shows. We're almost complete opposites in looks.
Pale skin vs. dark hispanic skin.
Thick hair vs. thin hair.
19 and 5'1 vs. 11 and 5'4
Fairly slim vs. chubbier.
We're also quite different in personality. I'm more reserved until I get to know someone. My sister is out there and honest with herself completely. I withold a lot and withdraw from arguments or turn them into discussions. She yells and makes her point clear, whether it was needed or not.
Yet, it's odd to see the similarities when they come up. I can really talk to her, and she'll listen, even if she doesn't always get it. She loves a lot of the same movies and games I do. She's an artist, although much more computer oriented. We also tend to lean the same way politically, me leaning a tiny bit moreso to the left. I think I've only ever really butted heads with her once in my life.
It's funny that I remember my parents saying she was the suprise child. After Connor's death, they weren't going to try for anymore children and now they have this beautiful girl. She's growing up with some pretty conflicting views and a lot of different family influences. I hope she grows up well.

Navarre can't move his back feet anymore completely. It's so cold now, that he's growling because he's in pain.
I thought I'd be okay with this because he's almost 13 and lived a good life, but...*sighs* It's going to be a really fucking hard day.
I love my boy. I don't want him to go....
Almost 13 years of love and spoiling. God.

I woke up at about 5 this morning from an extremely vivid dream that left me a bit shaken.
I remember I was dropped off at this shopping center close to my house, apparently waiting for Byron. I get a phone call from him and he tells me he's busy with his best friend and can't see me. I become quite annoyed and walk off to the bus stop. There are two other people there, a guy and a pretty girl.
The sky is darkened with an overcast of clouds as I see something flying through the air at us. I step away a little from its trajectory and watch as a huge piece of burning metal hits the girl and flings her about 6 feet before it hits a tree. The guy and I rush over to see if she's okay and find her hands are burned to hell. As we're tending to her, a flaming firetruck crashes next to us.
Something clicks in my brain and I scream out for people to run. We take off down the street and as we're running and get a good amount of distance away, I hear an explosion from the firetruck and watch as it mushrooms out, chasing the people running. I can't see who's made it or not, but the crowd running with me keeps the pace. I forget where we finally stop, but we hide behind something as the clouds of smoke blast past us like a sonic boom.
I look around and there's bodies laying out behind it who didn't make it, cars turned over. The sun's setting and we take a moment to rest when someone points out another falling object that hits and creates another explosion. We run and jump over houses and rooftops as a ring of fire chases behind us. Someone spots a lake and we all dive in into a continuing blackness that eventually wakes me up

Fuck you, body. Random kidney pain is not fucking cool. Nor are the back spasms.
FUCK YOU.

One of these days, I really need to get a pair of slippers and one of those super warm robes for days like this.

Oh yeah, and new icons.

California, California
Know I love you, California
When I leave, I know you wait for me
Cause in the sun and in the weather
No one else has loved me better
California you’re the place for me

Los Angeles, Los Angeles
My heart goes out to you and if
I make it back I’d love to drive around
Cause your streets are wide and dirty
You’d have raised me in a hurry
You’re the city with the angels, yes indeed

San Francisco, San Francisco
Always busy, you’re always pretty
I can see you just across the bay
Your red bridge over the sea
Keeps me safe and warm and free
On a clear day, there’s no place I’d rather be

In the mountains, in the mountains
No one knows you like I do
And summer streams are knee deep in the snow
Just like the giving tree you have made a man of me
Cause everyone needs someplace beautiful
I think everyone needs someplace beautiful

California, California
Know I love you, California
When I leave I know you wait for me
Cause in the sun and in the weather
No one else has loved me better
California you’re the place for me

In the valley, in the valley
Give me life and cradle me
The sun is setting as I drive ahead
So keep us and sustain us
Give us food and love and I trust
That without you we’d all soon be dead

In the forest, all the trees
You make a little child of me
How I long to know what you have seen
All the people who are gone
And all the ones who once were strong
Oh won’t you keep their fate from claiming me

In the oceans, in the sea
We have seen eternity
How can I tell when you really end
I imagine that you lead to other worlds entirely
Where we can save ourselves and start again
Yes we need to save ourselves and start again

California, California
Know I love you, California
When I leave I know you wait for me
Cause in the sun and in the weather
No one else has loved me better
California you’re the place for me

So nurse me like a mother
Raise me strong just like my father
Let me wander off, discover who I am
I’ll have learned your deepest lessons
Gathered up your finest blessings
Return to California once again
Yes, I’ll come home to California once again

California, California
Know I love you, California
When I leave I know you wait for me
Cause in the sun and in the weather
No one else has loved me better
California you’re the place for me
Yes California you’re the place for me
California won’t you save a place for me?


It's wild, tempermental, threatens the rest of us, so many places of sin, bipolar weather. But it's home.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/20/us/politics/20marriage.html?hp

Prop 8 is still not dead.

I'm beginning to hate my dreams because they are so fucking lucid, particulary when I am ill.
I spent a good part of the night vomiting and trying to keep down something of the liquid persuasion, but even water hitting my stomach made me nauseous. My throat is ripped to shreds and feels like when I got my tonsils out.
I finally did manage to get some kind of sleep and ended up in what seemed like days of dreaming. Ones that stick out the most:
-Being in what seemed like an amusement park and in this room that's just filled with some kind of low grade acid and crossing over pipes. I'm looking down and seeing classmates from my high school just swimming in it like water while they slowly dissolve.
-Backing a black Mercedes out of some kid's garage and fucking up two garage doors and then folding up the car into a box big enough to throw away, because the kid's parents were letting me stay there and I'm afraid of them killing me. I'm next door to my house, and when I try and go inside my front door, I know that my family is gone for good and I'm alone.
-Being in my room and feeling it flooded for a few minutes through my window. When I try and crawl out, all the water rushes out and you don't see a remnant of the flood except the water dripping off me.
-A moment of what seemed like an hour of just wandering through this strange city that didn't move. Posters everywhere of people I care and cared about as advertisements, but not a real person walking down the street and just this overwhelming white noise that felt like it was devouring me.

10 points and a cookie for interpretation.

Christmas Gift Toy & MySpace Layouts at pYzam.com

As much as you don't want to go, Mom, sometimes you should just go back to the hospital. Because you at least somewhat listen to people who carry syringes full of fucking medication, unlike here.
I hate it. I hate it because while the two little ones can yell at you and sit there and play their games, I can't. I just tell you, try to lead you back to where you are supposed to be and pray you'll fucking listen to me while I try and get things done. But 10 minutes later, you're trying to show me the right way to wash dishes, trying to clean little things like the glass top of the kitchen stove and talking about random celebrities that have nothing to do with anything anyone has said in days.
I want to pack up my supplies for a week and just take off when you're like this, but I can't. Because when you do this and Dad's not here, I'm next in line to become Mom.
There are so many times I want to scream at you, but I can't. I can't, because you're the one who cries to me when Dad and the kids do. Who am I to be the bad guy?

Someone is taking an ice pick up and down my spine and sending massive pain signals everywhere. It's just moving up and down like a fucking wave.
Fuck you, body. Fuck you.

Today sucks. It sucks the gay out of Liberace's ass. (10 points for knowing where that's from.)


Fuck Wednesday.

I have a day off from class, the only one in the house is my little sister right now, and I feel like I'm making a difference again.

Love and hugs to all my friends, IRL and internet.

Today is a new day. For everyone the sun rises for, for my friends, for American and for me.
Obama is the first black president, people I know are falling in love with people they really deserve, I have discovered a massive love for Panera Bread and I look FUCKING FABULOUS today despite dark circles from being up working last night. My Aunt Shannon and Uncle Jim finally have a child after years of struggle.
My day's going to be busy. Much love to all of you.

I owe my brother at least a week of me being nice for his saving my ass tonight, coming in late from a miscalculation of timing.
Thanks, little bro.